How this has impacted my life and thinking: For decades the only thing I thought I "deserved" was to die for my sins. Did I deserve happiness? No, just death because I'm a sinner. Did I deserve love, safety, or friendship? No, just death because I'm a sinner. Did I deserve respect? No, just death because I'm a sinner. Did I deserve grace? No, just death because I'm a sinner. I heard sermon after sermon about how grace was a gift that I didn't deserve. What I deserved was death. If you aren't from an evangelical background, this is probably very foreign to you. If you are, I'm sure that like me, you are struggling or have struggled with your value and self worth as a result of these teachings.
Because of this thinking, I was in two abusive relationships. I didn't deserve respect, so I didn't expect to receive it. I didn't expect to be treated like I had any value, so I wasn't. For 27 years, I was treated like garbage. I believed I was garbage, so why shouldn't I be? If I was alive, it was a gift of grace... everything else was a consequence of my own sinfulness.
I wish I could say I left both of those abusive relationships with a head full of wisdom and understanding. I didn't... I crawled out of my first marriage broken and confused. My ex husband was cheating on me with a girl (almost half his age, barely legal) from work. He had no intention of stopping. I scrambled to save my marriage because I'd also been told "God hates divorce." I failed. I filed for divorce, paid for the lawyer, and lived out of garbage bags in my mother's basement... All while my ex moved another woman into our house. If he had made changes, I would've stayed with him... after all, I was also just a worthless sinner. I didn't deserve a happy marriage or faithful husband, I deserved death.
I've since come to my senses about how toxic and damaging this thinking is!!!
Even now, as I deconstruct the toxicity of the religious culture I was raised in, I struggle. I often feel worthless, helpless, and hopeless. That was the point though. The point was to make you realize your "need" for Jesus. Those are my deepest neural pathways. My internal dialogue often sounds like the following: You worthless piece of crap. You mess up and mess up. You are just a big fuck up, and you don't deserve the space you occupy. You are worthless.
I'm trying to change to this dialogue: You have a beautiful heart. You are strong even when you don't feel like it. You and brave even when you don't feel like it. You are learning. You apologize when you're wrong and try to make it better.
If you've also been affected by this toxic idea, I'd love it if you shared you're story in the comments. This is not a place for current evangelicals to post defenses of these ideologies. Get your own blogs if you want to spread or defend this garbage. This is a place to deconstruct.
